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Speak in the language of LOVE

Have you ever wondered why you feel intense love reciprocated by some people but others just don't seem "fill" you up, or leave you feeling on and off?

Have you ever wondered why you keep trying and trying but your partner doesn't seem to be feeling love from you, or vice versa?

Maybe you have discussed this feeling or lack there of, with your significant other, but they are in disbelief because they have been meeting all the ‘necessary criteria’ to create love or so they thought.

These are situations where we tend to internalize our negative feelings, we may begin to overthink our situation and question whether or not it is a good "fit".

Many movies (especially for millennials) have portrayed love as something magnetic and immediately reciprocated and perfect from the very beginning. Take Cinderella as an example; 

She barely had to put in any effort except leave the house and by doing solely that, a handsome prince fell in love with her and they lived happily ever after. 

Sadly, that ideology is favoured by many young people from my generation, both girls and boys. It touches our hopelessly romantic love-struck hearts, and gives us the gratification and hope of knowing that if we just leave the house, surely someone will fall in love with us. That is a fascinating theory, but somehow I still feel myself in disbelief and also curiously wondering what really happened in Cinderella's life, post-honeymoon...

Life doesn't always work the same way it does in fairy tales. Perhaps for some lucky couples I know, it can definitely feel like that, and that is wonderful! However, being in my 3rd serious relationship, I am humble enough to admit that every relationship has required failure, patience communication and understanding before any realistic inner needs have been met on both ends. This is just my experience and I in no way mean to undervalue your fairy tale romance, because I definitely have been on both ends of the "What type of love do you have" scale. 1 being: "Fairy Tale Romance" and 10 being: "We are completely nonchalant about each other's bowel movements" 

The reality is, we WANT to be loved and we want to love our partners, family and friends in a way that makes them FEEL LOVED and more CONNECTED to us.

I'm no expert in this area, but I read a great book called: The 5 Love Languages, and I'm going to share some of the knowledge and tips i've collected from it that I found very helpful and insightful when applied to my relationships. 

#1. Everyone is worth loving. Everyone is deserving of love, everyone can feel love, everyone needs love. 

#2. Everyone gives and receives love in different ways, and all are legitimate and equal in value to that person. 

#3. Once you know what love language you speak in, and which your loved ones speak in, your relationships will prosper. 

Lets get to know what The 5 Love Languages are, shall we?

It might be easier for some people to recognize which one they are than it will be for others, but by the end of this blog you should be able to identify your own.

Words Of Affirmation

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Acts Of Service 

Physical Touch

We can have more than one love language and it isn’t uncommon for people to express all of the love languages at different times. We are complex creatures after all!
However, most people will lean towards and respond best to one or two love languages more so than the others.

To make things a little trickier, there is a chance that you do not give love the same way you desire to receive love. 

Commonly, people give what they wish to receive but not everyone is wired that way. We must take into consideration how that person was taught to give love, or what style of love they were exposed to. 

(Familiarity play's a huge role when we pick partners, and what we sometimes expect love to look like, whether it was an accurate representation or not. This can skew our views on what love really is.)

Although the five love languages are pretty self explanatory, i'm going to sum them up in a few short paragraphs, along with a couple tips on how to to start filling someone's love tank. 

Word's Of Affirmation:

People who speak in the love language of Words Of Affirmation will love to compliment you. They will point out all of your good qualities, and speak very highly of you. No matter how charming they may or may not sound, they are always there to reassure you that you are doing well and make sure you feel confident and noticed. If you find that you need a boost of encouragement or reassurance to make you feel confident and appreciated by your lover, Words Of Affirmation is probably one of your primary love languages. 

If you think your partner, family member or friend might be under this category, you can make them feel loved by giving them genuine compliments when they change something about their appearance, or are starting a new project or activity. Maybe you just want to let them know you liked that thing that they did. They will surely appreciate you all the more for it, especially if you exercise things you are grateful for or notice about them, regularly. 

Quality Time

 For these individuals, its all about the one-on-one time. They want to know your deepest thoughts and desires, while maintaining complete undivided focus on the conversation and connection between you two. Whether it is taking 10 minutes to sit and talk about the day you both had, taking a walk, or going out to do something completely new to you both, they will place high value on the feeling they receive just being present with you and sharing good conversation and making memories. If you find yourself just wanting to hang out with your loved one and 'get to know them better' or place high value on doing activities together, big or small, Quality Time is probably one of your primary love languages. 

If you suspect that your partner, friend or family member speaks in this love language, you can fill their love tank by inviting them to join you at the new cool vegan place that just opened, (if they are into that kind of thing) or even better, invite them over to make dinner with you! Its all about the connection, conversation and time shared together, that really matters. So the more time you spend doing fun activities together, laughing and simply enjoying your partner's company, the happier and more connected they will feel. 

Receiving Gifts

We always say that "money doesn't buy happiness", but for these lovers, that may actually ring true. Gift giving is considered a universal love language that goes back hundreds of decades. 

A gift is something you can see and hold in your hand, and it is a symbol of love and can be kept as a reminder, or 'token'. 

It says "I was thinking of you" "I am giving you this to let you know I care". It doesn't matter if it is expensive, because the value is in the thought and then the action of giving it to the person you were thinking about. The giving is an expression of love. Visual representations of love are why some people really value wedding rings and never take them off. These people are often more sentimental about the little things so, 

if you obsess over small gifts from your loved ones and say things like "I still have the ceramic cat you gave me 5 years ago and it still makes me smile!", than gift giving is probably one of your love languages. 

If your loved one, family member or friend fits into this category, you can let them know you love them and have been thinking of them by simply bringing them a little momento that you picked up while going about your day and say "I saw this and thought of you." or "I remember how excited you were when you talked about this new cool thing, so I picked one up on my way home." Remembering little things that you noticed excited them, and physically presenting it to them is the best way to fill up a gift giver's love tank. 

Acts Of Service

These generous folks want nothing more than to make your life easier. They may not always tell you how they feel, shower you with gifts, or even spend that much quality time with you, but you can count that they will always be there when you need to get a job done, or offer you loving support on the back end. They love to serve. If you don’t necessarily like being touched, or are not the greatest with compliments, but it pulls your heart strings when someone helps you move into your new place or buys your meal, Acts Of Service may be your primary love language. When being with an Act’s Of Service lover, they will be more inclined to show their love by doing the dishes for you when you said you would but something came up, helping you fix that wobbly chair that keeps causing near accidents, or giving you a safe ride home if you had one too many drinks. These lovers will always make you feel safe, supported and like someone has your back when you need them the most. Act’s Of Service people are wonderful selfless lovers, and if you suspect your partner receives love in this way, you can fill their love tanks (and bellies) by bringing them food when they are working late, offering to take on a task they are not usually fond of, or asking “How can I make your day easier?” You will remove some stress off their shoulders, and they will be very grateful to have you on their team.

 Physical Touch

Now this one seems pretty obvious, but it can be misinterpreted as just the act of sex, which can part of it yes, but jumping into the sheets with this partner without a generous warm up, is unlikely to fulfill these lovers. Physical touch is a very powerful communicator of love. This is why in times of crises we hug each other. Sometimes a hug can express more love than the right words ever could, and a hug will mean a lot more to these lovers than words will during emotional times. A hug can convey trust, warmth, acceptance, protection, intimacy and of course love, to its receiver. Physical touch lovers place high value on long hugs, cuddles, hand holding and other connecting activities, and if these needs for contact are not met, your lover will feel deeply hurt and even lonely. It is important to pay attention to your lover’s body language, as some Physical Touch lovers, are not as obviously ‘touchy’ as others, and they may be waiting for you to make the first move. If you are know to run in for a long embrace when you haven’t seen your loved ones for awhile, have a majority of friends who are also affectionate, or find yourself wanting to be fully consumed by your partners energy and just can’t seem to ‘get enough’ of them when you are already holding them as close as you can, Physical Touch might very likely be one of your primary love languages. We all need intimacy, but these lovers need it a little more often to feel fully loved and connected to you. If you really want to make your partner feel amazing, sit side by side at that restaurant and place your hand on their back or thigh, give them a shoulder massage when you’re sitting together, making dinner or doing the dishes, or a full body massage to set the mood! They will melt in your hands from the heart, outward. 

 It is a super easy and natural way to show love, so if you suspect Physical Touch is one of their primary love languages, hug your partner, friend of family member when you see them! Even if you just saw them yesterday. It will make them feel loved and appreciated and it will have a huge impact on their day. 

Now that you know what The 5 Love Languages are, have  some understanding of what they mean, and some practical tips on how to apply them to your every day life, 

its time to get out there and share the love! 

You must first give before you receive, but when you do, your relationships will become stronger and your love tank will be overflowing! 

Purchase this book for a more in-depth look at The 5 Love Languages and receive an included quiz that you can do with your partner to find out what they really place the highest love value on. There are also versions of this book for teaching you how to understand the love languages of your young children and teenagers. 

The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman

Happy Loving! 

Written by: Courtney Kachur

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posted on: February 22, 2018 4:30 PM

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posted on: February 23, 2018 3:06 AM

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