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Weird Things that happen to your lady bits that aren't STI's

So if you’re like me you are constantly concerned with what disease or ailment you could possibly have.  You fall on pavement and scrape your knee and now are pretty sure you have hep C.  It could happen, legit. That’s why spitting in public is illegal. If someone has Hep C and they spit on the ground, it remains “alive” for 72 hours. Meaning if you fall and their spit gets into an open wound, you now have Hep C. I’ve been told that I’m crazy, but that’s science. You can’t call science crazy.

Alright, admittedly, you are probably rational and not at all like me. Weird stuff can still happen to your labia, fact. I’m going to go over several odd but common things that can happen to your flower pot  that aren’t cause for calling all your ex partners and having the world’s most awkward conversation, especially if you actually call your vagina your flower pot.  I mean you still could and it would be awkward but I won’t judge you.

1.       “Oh my God, I have HPV. There are warts on my vagine. I knew that toilet looked germy, I should have hovered!” AKA clogged oil gland.

You feel hard bumps under the skin of your vagina, on the lips or the entrance to your vagina.  You rush to the Dr. and she laughs and tells you that you in fact do not have HPV; you have a clogged oil gland and to stop hyperventilating.  That’s it; you essentially have a zit on your vagina.  Congratulations, your body has decided that among all the other things it does to mess with your mojo it’s going to leave bumps on your labia. Thanks dude, being 16 and full of acne was something I definitely wanted to relive again, accept this time on my vagina.

2.      “HPV?? REALLY??  But I haven’t even been to Vegas yet…”  AKA Skin Tags.

Really? Skin Tags on your labia? Oh yeah. Apparently your body hates you and decides that your perfect baby like smooth skin can stay but is going to randomly attack your labia with a skin tag. When you rush to the Doctor yet again in tears because, yet again you have diagnosed yourself with HPV, she looks and says “it’s a skin tag, also you don’t have a brain tumor” (she just adds that in their now so I don’t even have to ask). You can finally feel the floor and are relieved to walk away with your head held high and wart free and she goes “let’s take care of that”. That sounds wonderful. I would love to take care of it, then what feels like someone who hates woman takes laser-beam acid and burns off a skin tag for probably the longest 2 minutes of your life. By the time it’s done you’re pretty sure you’ve either been welded shut or you’ve passed out. But hey, it wasn’t HPV.  Woop...

3.      The “Dude you have herpes” AKA allergic reaction to stimulating lubes or condoms. 

Nothing will be sexier then when you are having sex with your partner and you notice blood on the condom, only you’re not on your period. Then you feel intense burning. You look down and it looks like vaginal leprosy. Ok, not that bad, but sore, irritated, bleeding and peeling skin (so close). You’ve now accused you’re partner that he’s given you the herp. He’s distraught because the only place he could have gotten it would have been from his ex-gf who he was with for ten years and is the loving mother of their child. You get dressed, leave, storming out screaming as he sits on the couch with a blank deeply saddened look on his face muttering “I can’t believe she cheated on me, I loved her”.  You go to the Doctor the next day only to have her again laugh and say “have you been using any new condoms or lubes lately? What you have is a severe allergic reaction” Needless to say, the call after that Doctors appointment may have actually been slightly more awkward then had I actually had herpes. It goes something like this “Oh hey, so good news, it’s not herpes! I’m just allergic to everything that touches me now. So uh… sorry about you know… calling your ex-gf some choice words… and I can replace that glass thing I smashed, which by the way was asking for it, we cool?” No, No we are not. Well I’m not. No one’s ever cool after that.   To avoid this, use awesome non-allergenic lubes and condoms (latex free) and for the love of god DO NOT buy drug store brand stimulating A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

4.      OMG I’ve swollen shut; my vagina has actually gone on strike! Jerk! AKA more allergies aka Non-infectious vaginitis

So, I’m also allergic to almost everything, chocolate, dairy, snow mold, cats, dust, pretty much every lotion and the list goes on and on. Anyways this is what may happen if you have allergies. Turns out the vaj is also a mucus membrane that will react to allergens. So let’s say a cat, who you hate because it’s trying to kill you because it sleeps on your pillows while you are gone has decided to go the extra mile of hate and secretly sleeps in your underwear drawer.  Cat lovers will go “aww adowable lolz, I can has underpants?” No, not adorable. Ever. Because what happens next feels like what I can only imagine an STI from a 14th century pirate would feel like. The worst itching, dryness you have ever had followed by burning, so much burning and swelling so bad it looks like some sort of swollen pouch/frontal fanny pack made out of your own swollen labia.

Basically take antihistamines and seal your underpants in a plastic bag in a locked drawer so that the spite filled cat from depths of hell cannot ever get back in your underpants.

Other ways to trigger allergic reactions in your lady bits is from soaps, laundry detergents and latex.  You can buy specially formulated soap you won’t react to (we carry that), special non-allergenic detergents and, obviously, use non-latex condoms (we sell those too). Solved.

5.      Noooo, I have cancer! Cancerous tumors of the labia! Aka ingrown hairs.

Ingrown hairs are the worst. If you grew up when I did, we don’t have pubic hair, you have a false belief that it does not belong there. So we shave it, wax it or laser those hairs away so we can pretend like we never hit puberty?  To be fair, I do it because I hate hair. So much. Others certainly have their own reasons. We shave and wax and go through all this trouble to make our vaginas look all perfect and bare only to get ingrown hairs. Sometimes they look like zits that go away pretty fast, or if you’re planning for a super sexy weekend with your partner, it will most likely turn into a huge underground ingrown hair that looks like you may be storing marbles under your skin. Oh and they can be really painful, or just gross looking and oozy. Yay! I’m so pretty… le sigh.  What’s even worse is if you decide “I don’t need to use shaving cream, I am moist and smooth already”… then what ensues is probably the worst version of a labia ever. Big, red, razor burnt, sore and very very angry. It basically stays like this for awhile in an attempt to yell at you, if it could actually yell it would probably say something like “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? I THOUGHT WE WERE SISTERS?! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE???” Something like that anyways.  Use shaving cream. Be a good sister, love your vag.

6.      “I have Chlamydia or syphilis, please let it be syphilis, it sounds edgier...” AKA a Yeast Infection

So you have an itchy vaj, you are experience discharge and other such things of an unappealing nature. You obviously think you have all the S.T.I’s super morphed into whatever is coming out of your vagina. It could just be a yeast infection. These are the main symptoms of a yeast infection; itching, burning, or swelling in and around your vagina, pain or discomfort in your vagina during sex, a burning feeling when urinating (peeing), vaginal discharge that often looks like cottage cheese (it may also be thinner or absent). So basically, world’s hottest date. 

Fun fact; did you know you can get a yeast infection if your partner is drinking beer and then goes down on you? It’s true. Also sugar, putting sugars near or in your vagina can cause a yeast infection. As much as your partner may like chocolate, save it for your nipples not you’re soon to be fondue pot, that’s a fon-don’t.  Yeah, I actually said that. At least I think I’m funny.

Point is this; so many things can happen to your labia that turn out to be non-catastrophic. Don’t always assume you have an STI and dump your partner or start making pre-emptive awkward phone calls. Go to the Doctor. Find out the facts that only a Doctor can tell you.  A lot of the symptoms of certain things I’ve mentioned above are also symptoms of STI’s. Be smart, if something’s askew with your labia, go get it checked. Always get checked out if you find weird bumps or something feels out of whack. I mean, I sneeze and am immediately “it’s cancer” so I’m pretty sure there’s the complete opposite of that where people have a terrible symptom that’s painful and oozy and go “meh” and never get checked and they then become the new age typhoid Mary and unknowingly spread whatever it is they have cultured inside of them. Don’t be your own Doctor, go get checked out.  Solved. You’re welcome.

Rex says

"And don't let other people (friends, family etc) scare you with their some how superior knowledge unless they are a doctor and have valid proof. For example, I had a heart attack due to a situation similar to example six.

My first yeast infection went sour when my mom told me in a very calm and wise voice, "Don't worry, honey. It's JUST Chlamydia." "
posted on: October 6, 2012 5:59 PM

Ava says

"great info especially for young women... So glad to have a place to go for information on anything"
posted on: October 8, 2012 10:45 AM

Lana says

"At a party a handsome man decided to tell me all about a particular issue that looks like an STI and isn't. It's ingrown hairs, like in #5, or #1, but for guys, at the base of the penis or on the balls. Can happen whether or not they shave. Still, be very careful, as you don't know for sure it's not an STI. Everybody get tested regularly!"
posted on: October 12, 2012 11:35 PM

Lana says

"People tell me all kinds of things at parties when they discover I work here. ;-)"
posted on: October 12, 2012 11:36 PM

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