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Your Most Important Relationship


What is the most important relationship in your life? What is the one relationship you could not do without? Some people might find the answer difficult to fully accept, but the most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself.


Some people may not believe, or may not want to believe, that they could not get along in this life without their intrapersonal relationship; this is the internal relationship which supports the connection between your mind, body, and spirit, allowing each to communicate with the other and (in the best of circumstances) with your conscious self. This relationship can break down, through being ignored due to daily distractions. Many people feel that the notion of prioritizing this intrapersonal relationship is selfish. If they do take time out simply to be alone with their Self, they feel guilty because that’s time they could’ve spent with someone else. But the fact of the matter is, not taking time out for yourself (and to connect with your Self), is selfish. This is so because the relationship you have with your Self directly impacts every other relationship in your life, both personal and professional. But even aside from that, it is important to develop the relationship you have with your Self for its own sake.

The Self

Each of us has several “selves”. There’s the one which we share with others, which is our public self. The one we only share with those who are closest to us, which is our private self (this is the self people are taking care of when they take time out to relax). There are some others, but the one on which I would like to focus is the one which is most often ignored: this is our Higher (or Highest) Self. This is the part of you that is directly Divine (not to impugn your other selves, they are all amazing beings). Your Higher Self is essentially the very best, purest, truest version of who you are; your Essence (not your soul, though – you can think of it as your subconscious/unconscious mind). And although taking care of your other selves is very important, if your relationship with your Higher Self isn’t healthy, you can’t expect to have healthy relationships with anyone. For the purpose of clarity I will differentiate between the terms “yourself”, which I use to denote your conscious/aware mind, and “your Self”, which refers to your subconscious/unconscious mind (Higher Self).

What Makes This Relationship So Important?

1)      Your Higher Self is your very Essence; it is what makes you, you. If you don’t know who you are (i.e., if you are estranged from your Higher Self), how can you possibly share yourself with anyone?

2)      You learn about other relationships from this one: you learn how to treat others based on how you treat your Self, and you learn what kind of treatment to expect from others based on how you treat your Self.

3)      You need to establish a dialogue with your Higher Self to find out what it is that you really need from yourself and from others. Your Higher Self does not suffer the distractions and pressures of daily life, it has no buzzing telephones or alarm clocks, nor appointments and meetings, and so it can hear its thoughts perfectly. It knows exactly what it wants and needs. And because it has such clarity and is a part of you, it can also know what you want and need (even if your life prevents you from having such knowledge directly). Connect with your Higher Self and give her/him what s/he wants and needs, and let her/him fulfill your wants and needs. It is through this process that we begin to practice healthy relationships of willing exchange, by practicing with the most permanent relationship we will ever have: that with our Self. Ask her/him what it is you really want and need from your other relationships so that you can tell the people around you and work towards experience more fulfilling relationships.

4)      If your needs are not being fulfilled, you cannot fulfill the needs of others. Period.

How To Get In Touch With Your Self

Start by blocking out some alone-time, giving yourself at least an hour (or aim for a half-hour and work your way up to an hour). This time should be absolutely quiet and peaceful. It needn’t be silent, though, so you should feel free to have some music playing (quietly). Make sure there will be no distractions (kids running around the house, telephones ringing, et cetera).  Put on comfortable clothes which are non-restrictive and will allow you to move. Go to a comfortable space where you feel most at home and relaxed, and can be alone.

Enter your sanctuary space and take a few deep breaths, enjoying and appreciating that this space and this time is yours. Go ahead and light some candles and incense, if you like. Now ease into some stretches. I find that everyone has their own preferred way of stretching so just do what works the best for you, and be careful not to hurt yourself. It’s important to release physical tension and feel it leaving your body, and feel health and positivity taking its place. Pay attention to your breath. Stretch for at least ten minutes, enjoying and breathing in each stretch.

Stretching complete, get yourself into a comfortable position by sitting, laying down, hanging out in Lotus position – whatever works for you. The important part is that the position be comfortable and one which you can maintain for the duration of the exercise. Once in the position, feel and appreciate how great it feels to have worked that tension out of your body: you’re giving back to yourself already! You’re comfortable, in a safe place, breathing deeply, and have no one making demands on your attention. You can now turn your attention inwards.

Close your eyes and, continuing to breathe deeply, visualize your Self standing before you. It is very important that you do not make any appraisals of what you see; you must let the image be what it is without your imposing any expectations, judgments, et cetera, on it. Now notice Your appearance (once again, you’re just noticing, you’re not judging): what are You wearing, if anything? What is the setting (are You appearing to yourself in a forest, in a temple, in an office)? What feeling do You emanate? In other words, how does it feel to be in Your presence? As you’re exploring these questions, don’t be surprised if the image changes itself, with or without your intent: your Self is revealing her/himself to you. When the image is stable and feels “right”, you’ll know that you’re seeing an accurate depiction of your Self (which may not even be human). Now simply spend time in Your own presence. Be completely accepting of the being you see before you: S/He is going to be totally accepting of you, after all. Let your guard down and just be.

Some people may feel intimated at first (I know I was) – after all, it’s a little strange being face to face with a Divine Being, and even stranger when that Being is You. You may have to perform this exercise several times before you’re able to engage in conversation with your Self, but feel free to express any thoughts and/or feelings with your Self. S/He is your ally in everything that you do; you can completely trust her/him. And, conversely, don’t be at all surprised if s/he has some things to say to you, even this first time. But even if no dialogue takes place, what matters is that you are consciously acknowledging this relationship and are making the effort to strengthen it. This is the first step on a lifelong journey. (If, for the first while of doing this, you notice that these visits with your Self feel a bit strained, just remember that you’re just learning this skill. And that your Self has probably been ignored for the larger part of your life – how would you feel if you’d been ignored for years? Don’t be surprised if this relationship takes some time to fully flourish!)

Really Get “In Touch” With Your Self!

Once you’ve gotten used to spending time with your Self, feel free to take it to the next level: involve masturbation. Visualize your Self as you normally would (with candles, incense, et cetera; whatever your normal routine has become), and now you can engage in some fantasy. Take your Self out on a date, for example. Some people might call it vain, fantasizing with/about your Self, but there’s nothing wrong at all with sharing intimacy and affection with your Self! Once again, aspects that are lacking from your relationship with your Self, will also lack in your relationships with others. Masturbation is also an activity that is valid entirely for its own sake, being the safest way to explore your sexuality, but you can certainly also use it to further enhance your connection with your Self.   


Disclaimer: As you will, in effect, be entering a semi-altered state of consciousness, please be aware that you should not do so if you are currently suffering from a mental illness (which is already an altered state of mind). Doing so can potentially cause serious side effects such as worsening the symptoms of the illness.        


Tischa says

"I have been to a few workshops at Positive Passions and am very happy to know there is a place like this in Saskatoon that focuses on wellness and sexual wellness. "
posted on: September 5, 2012 6:45 PM

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